I've been thinking of my Mom today. For the last few weeks actually. Each time we welcome a new baby, the missing starts all over again. She passed away when I was seven months along with Sarah, my first. Little snippets of memory sneak up on me and I wish... I just wish it could have happened differently. That she could be here to rock my babies and drive me crazy like only she could.
I remembered something last night. A time when I came home for a weekend visit from college. She'd been fighting cancer for a couple of years already and her health was poor. The house was a mess. A dusty, cluttery mess. I found her out in her garden rocking her grandbaby in a swing. And I was bothered by the house. By the mess. Why couldn't she just pick up a little before spending time doing something else? Childish thoughts coming from a twenty something child. She was singing nursery songs and bouncing her baby up and down. The afternoon light was just right and they looked so peaceful and happy.
I held my newborn son tonight and breathed in his lovely baby smell. I kissed his perfect mouth and felt a Love so strong it actually hurt. I thought of you, Mom. As I surveyed my messy house I laughed at the lesson it took me ten years to learn. Babies don't keep. I know that now. Thanks for your example Mom. I love you and miss you so much tonight.
4 comments:
Oh, Niki. So true. I'm bawling my little eyes out.
Niki, after losing my mom before EB was born, I also have had moments like the one you just shared. I miss my mom ever so much. Let your house be messy. YOu can't ever get that time back! And honestly, your kids won't remember that anyway.
Thanks Niki! I needed that!
My heart ached for you in reading this. I'm sure your Mom is so proud that you've "got it" already and are soaking it all in.
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